Adjusting to being a stay-at-home mom...

Well it's been 6 months since I quit my job, and I am still trying to adjust. I never thought it would be this hard. I have been working since I was 16 years old, and well I never thought I would actually not have a "job". I have to give kudos to all the stay-at-home moms out there! This truly has been the toughest job I have had. I find that very interesting since I spent the lat 10 years in child abuse and the last 5 in supervision of child abuse investigators. No job could ever get harder than that, right? That's what I thought. Well I was wrong.

I joined 2 of what I thought were a support groups for mom's of multiples thinking this would help me transition. I thought being around other mothers in the same situation would help ease the pain of loosing my identity....and creating a new one. Man I was wrong again. One was so big, I was just intimidated. I only joined this group because on of my friends was a member and I thought we could go together. She never went and I never went back. I only made it to one meeting. The I met another twin mom at the girls daycare, and joined her group that was closer to home. I never felt as if they engaged me, and I tried to engage them. Apparetly I was unsuccessful. It almost feels like a competition, which only made me feel worse and second guess what I was doing. Please don't think I'm putting down these groups. They are very successful for thousands of families. They just weren't the answer I needed.

If it weren't for my few freind's, well I don't know what I would have done. Thank you Desiree for listening when I needed a friend, and helping me figure out what I'm doing.

I know some of you may be thinking I should know what to do since I have a 16 year old. Let me tell you, it's totally different. Since I worked in child abuse for so long, it really has put me on edge. You can't even imagine the things I saw and heard. It scares me to death now that I have not one, but two little ones. I trust very few people. When I had to put the girls in daycare, i thought I was going to loose it. I cried when Steve and I went looking, and their first day. That was short lived. They only lasted three months.

No one told me how hard it would be to raise twins. When you find out you are pregnant with twins you are just excited. We were so elated we were pregnant after so many years and all the attempts, that we would have been happy with any number of babies. Anyone who has gone through what we went through understands this. It wasn't until I got home with the babies that I totally freaked out. It didn't help that my hormones were completely out of whack! My friends who I talked to who had twins made it sound like a breeze. I realized I was depressed and this only made it worse. I felt inadequate as a mother, and like a failure. What else made it worse is the guilt I has since I was educated as a counselor. I shouldn't be feeling this way. I knew how to manage this, but it's different when it's yourself and not a client. Millions of people have twins ever day and they are able to manage. My sweet husband tried to reassure me. It didn't help anything since I didn't have any help or support. My family lives about 45 minutes away from us. I called my mother crying and begging her to come and help me. She did for a couple weeks, but she only stayed a few hours a day. Additionally she could only help by holding a baby while sitting down. She was afraid she would fall if she walked with them. I was grateful for what little help she did give me. After she left, I was on my own. Thankfully Steve's partners allowed him to take three weeks off instead of two. We are eternally grateful to them for that.

I am still trying to figure out what my purpose on this earth is now. I know it is caring for my family, who comes first. But what else is there for me? How can I make a difference now? I think this is going to be a process.